how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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