I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
