got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
