Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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