My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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