"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
