last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
