totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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