The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
