On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
