Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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