You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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