She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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