drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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