Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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