you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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