I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
