I don't remember. Are we still dating?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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