The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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