I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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