If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
