non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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