I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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