I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
