my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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