im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
