let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
