well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
