i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We need to get me chipped asap
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
