he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
