I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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