Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
