Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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