My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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