I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
