WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
