highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
