i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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