tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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