Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
