Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
50% drunk capacity currently
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
