Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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