I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
