take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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