Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
