Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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