First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
