we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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