i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
