You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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