sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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